living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize