hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Michael Bay diarrhea
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
