Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
