My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
