True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
