I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
