I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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