Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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