Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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