This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
