I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
