On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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