This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
