I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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