How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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