Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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