Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
