What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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