He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
