while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
