apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
