I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
