I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
