i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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