Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
