I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
