This is not my ceiling
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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