Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
