My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What a dumb baby whore.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize