p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
