i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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