You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
