I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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