hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
