how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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