Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
