She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
