You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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