dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She told me I should be a condom model.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
