oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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