We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize