Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize