I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
