Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
