Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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