I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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