I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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