My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize