You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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