You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
