you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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