Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
