So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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