At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize