i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
