Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
