five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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