So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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