he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
