sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
as a side note pls kill me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
