Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
