I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
