We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize