if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
