i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
