Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
