there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
